The Groinies

The Fantasy Football playoff season has just ended. The winning owners have been crowned and are telling everyone who will listen how great they are as a fantasy owner. The losers have complained about the pathetic performances from some of their players they thought would get the job done. There is a long standing team in our fantasy league called The Groin Pulls, so in honor of its owner, we are handing out our first annual Fantasy Football awards, and we are calling them The Groinies.

The categories will attempt to reward the good, will attempt to identify the bad, and will try to humiliate the ugly in terms of how everyone performed in Fantasy football this season.

So, without further ado, we give you this season’s Groinies.

LEAST VALUABLE PLAYER – The person who was expected to be great, who cost the most money (or highest draft position), and who produced the least. The nominees are: Adrian Peterson of the Vikings, Ray Rice of the Ravens and RGIII of the Red Skins. RGIII was a bust, that’s for sure, but it had to come down to the two running backs, either AP or Ray Rice, who gave new meaning to the term “handcuffed running backs.” The winner has to be Adrian Peterson, who is perhaps the best running back of his generation and ended up ruining the seasons of EVERYBODY that picked him onto their fantasy team.

THE STUD TO DUD AWARD FOR RUNNING BACKS – Who was expected to be a stud running back, but ended up being a complete stiff? The nominees are: Ryan Matthews of the Chargers, Zak Stacy of the Rams, and CJ Spiller of the Bills. This would have to go to Zak Stacy. After last season’s almost 1000 yard season, people expected some form of first round running back type of year. Instead, he carried just 74 times for 290 yards and ended up being a worthless third stringer on an underachieving St. Louis Ram team.

The STUD TO DUD AWARD FOR QUARTERBACKS – QB’s who were supposed to be studs, and ended up being duds. Nominees are: Matt Stafford of the Lions, RGIII of the Red Skins and Cam Newton of the Panthers. While tempting to select either Stafford or Newton, for having sub-par FANTASY seasons, the award has to go to RGIII who has practically lost his job this season. (Colin Kaepernick was a fantasy disappointment also, considering his expectations going into the season)

THE STUD TO DUD AWARD FOR WIDE RECEIVERS – You know, wideouts that should have been good but sucked. The nominations are: Brandon Marshall of the Bears, Larry Fitzgerald of the Cardinals, and Andre Johnson of the Texans. All three are mega-talented wide receivers who were victims of team strategies that under used their star wideouts and used them more as decoys than as go to receivers. The winner: Fitz. He used to be “a contender.” Now, he’s just somebody that we all used to know (as a wide receiving star).

THE TOP DOG RUNNING BACK AWARD – The nominees would have to be DeMarco Murray of the Cowboys, Le’Veon Bell of the Steelers and Matt Forte of the Bears. The winner is Murray, who was amazing almost every week of the year, getting yards, touchdowns and fantasy points every time he got the ball.

THE TOP FANTASY QUARTERBACK AWARD – The nominees would be Andrew Luck of the Colts, Aaron Rodgers of the Packers and Peyton Manning of the Broncos. Manning seemed like a cinch earlier in the year before his coach decided he needed a running attack. Rodgers and Luck were almost the same, but we’re gonna give this award to Aaron Rodgers, who was so cool, he could tell an entire worlf to just R-E-L-A-X, and he had enough game to back it up.

THE TOP WIDEOUT AWARD – The nominees would have to be Antonio Brown of the Steelers, Demaryius Thomas of the Broncos and Jordy Nelson of the Broncos, and the winner by knockout is Antonio Brown, who was to some extent consistent EVERY week of the season. Not a single stinko game.

THE BEST KICKER AWARD – Does anybody really care about kickers? I didn’t think so.

The AARON HERNANDEZ AWARD – for biggest under-performance from a tight end, who was expected to do a lot, but instead was a disappointment, would have to go to Jimmy Graham, who was expected to put up Megatron-like wide receiver numbers this year, and instead was just an ordinary, only better than average tight end this year.

WORST COACH OF THE YEAR – would have to go to Sean Payton of the Saints, with a special “worst coordinator” award going to Saints Defensive Coordinator Rob Ryan, who produced a true sieve of a defense this year, when so much more was expected. Rex Ryan and Jim Harbaugh would get special recognition for their under-performance with teams that should have done better.

THE JOSH GORDON BIGGEST SURPRISE AWARD – Had to be the emergence of Odell Beckham Jr., who missed four games and STILL had 1100 yards receiving and 11 touchdowns, and seemed like he had just become the best wide receiver since Jerry Rice. Can you say SUPERSTAR?

And finally.

THE COACH OF THE YEAR – Bruce Arians of the Arizona Cardinals. He’s in the same division as Seattle, San Francisco and a decent Ram team, and his team had the best record in the league from wire to wire and he did it with an offensive team that makes you throw up your hands and say, “How in the hell are these guys winning ANYTHING?” Major props.

Congrats (and sympathy) to all who played in fantasy leagues this year and to all who “won” Groinies this year, be they for either the good, the bad, or the ugly reasons.